Unappreciated

I wasn't feeling too appreciated today.
It started with a comment from my husband, that was a thump to my heart and then when my daughter came home, a tone of voice, then an attitude. A slow boil started. I told them both that I could not say that I felt unappreciated, because that would imply that they noticed things I do and try to do to make their lives better. I just felt like (and told them so) that id didn't really matter if I was here or not. I felt like a piece of furniture. You assume the furniture will be there and when you sit down it will hold you, but you don't really analyze the furniture or think about it. It is supposed to be there and it is.
Yes, I felt like a couch. An old one.
So they ate dinner and I stewed. I can't eat when I am upset. I was thinking about all the things I had done today...and this week, and their whole lives. Things to make their lives happy, and good , and better. Then the mistake I made, was I talked to God about it. Yes, I did say that I made a mistake to talk to God. Normally, I am the one urging people to talk to God about whatever is bothering them. Normally that is what I do and I am happier when I do. Well, I wasn't happier tonight after talking to God.
I apologize to all of you..all my friends and family when I have urged you to talk to God and tell you that He will help you and ease the pain. I have forgotten to tell you, that sometimes when you talk to him, if you are honest and just pour it all out, He doesn't make you feel better, you feel worse because you talked to him. Yes, that is what I said, you heard me right. Close your mouth. You feel worse.
So I was telling God how I felt..and we know He knows ALL that I have done for them. He knows the stuff I have forgotten that I did. He listened. He let me rant till I ran out of words. His response? He didn't strike them with lightning. They sat there happily eating the dinner I fixed. He didn't make them feel badly about their behavior (not that I could see). He agreed with me.
He agreed that it hurt to be taken for granted. He agreed that it hurt to feel like after all you have done, poured yourself out to someone, and they ignore you, that it hurt. He agreed it hurts to feel like you aren't even thought of during the day. He agreed that it is much nicer when the ones you love so much take time out of their day to talk to you and see how you are, without wanting something from you. Yes, He agreed with me and totally understood. He understood from experience.
See, I have done that to Him. You have too. So now you know why I didn't feel better.
Only someone who has been there-done that, understands how you feel. See while He was agreeing, my toes were hurting from being stepped on.
Yeah.
So I did give them both a good night kiss and I am not mad anymore. I can't promise I will never feel that way again, I am human. But we are to look to Jesus for our example of what to do. So if He could give His life for me, and still love me and forgive me when I am neglectful of Him, then I can forgive and love my family. Nothing I have done is comparable to what Christ did.
I didn't feel better when I first prayed. But now I do. Glad we have a heavenly daddy, that knows how to set us back up on the right path, even if it hurts to walk cause my toes are sore!

The Bus Drove By .........

Yesterday,I drove my youngest to the bus stop and waited for the bus with her. Her first day of HIGH SCHOOL. I was and have been excited for her.She is in the band and over the past month,I have gotten to meet the students in band and they are a good bunch of kids. I like them. She likes them. There has been nothing but positive signs for this year for her. We chatted, the bus came, it drove past me and then all of a sudden I couldn't see.My glasses weren't any more dirty than they normally are. I couldn't see because there were tears in my eyes.Plunk, plunk, plunk. Right down my face. I was surprised because I really wasn't feeling sad. Where did this come from, I wondered? I was happy for her. Truly! Still am. As I wiped the tears away, I felt like someone else had put the tears there.WHY am I crying? I started analyzing. I like her school, the people I have met, the principal. She will spend most of her time with band. I like the band teacher, the parents in the Band, the kids. She is close to home, no worries about traveling. I haven't had any emotional moments up to now. I was glad that she was starting a school year without any drama or anything to work through as she has had to do in the past when her dad was deployed and then when he was recovering from a traumatic injury and in rehab for a year. Everything was and is good. The bus drove by and then the tears started.WHY? More contemplation. The bus drove by. THE BUS DROVE BY. AHA! This was the first time in her entire school year life that I didn't take her to school. She started riding the bus to the Y after school in Middle School, but I still picked her up from school and I took her to school in the morning. The bus drove by. Change one. I am not taking her to school anymore. I wonder if she has though about this. Doubtful. This is a Mom thought. The bus drove by and my heart was thumped. De javu. I have been on this road before.Six years ago. There might be some new turns, detours I didn't take before, but the road leads to the same destination: Independence.The road that takes children away from home and to a place that I may be welcomed but there is no permanant residency for me, only a place for "visitors" to park. She graduates in only four years. I will be 60 then. Some would say my life is on a downward spiral as hers is climbing. I don't intend to spiral. I am wearing rubber soled shoes with emotional spikes, so that I can stop myself from sliding down those dangerous roads like :"I Am Too Old Now Street" or " At My Age, I Can't Avenue". Those roads lead to dead ends and there is no turning around. The bus drove by me and the sign that only I could see was "I am not the baby in the family anymore." NO. you are not. So I am not going to bounce to the future, but will wait till it becomes the present. I have to travel this road and prefer to do it with my daughter. Can't turn around (I tried with the first) we are on a one way road. I will enjoy the sights as we go by, the bunps, the detours and when we get to our destination, I will smile and be excited for her and help her get ready for her new journey, post poning for the time thinking about mine. Then when we wave bye, I will smile and get in my car and drive away and the tears will plunk, plunk, plunk down my cheek once again.

A Season

Saturday, June 11, 2011 A Season I can't sleep. Lots to do and a million reasons to sleep. I can't. Why? Psalm 126:3 says it all: "The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy." I can't sleep because my soul, my spirit is filled with joy right now. Remember the song from the mid/late 60's that went like this: To everything, (turn, turn, turn)there is a season, (turn, turn, turn) and a time to every purpose unto man. This is straight from the Bible (minus the turn, turn, turn.) Ecclesiastes 3! This is my time to laugh, my time to dance, my time to enbrace, my time to keep, my time to speak, my time to mend, my time to love, my time for peace. This is my time for joy. That is why I can't sleep. My spirit is just dancing with joy for all the things God has done for us. So, wonder if anyone has made a song from Psalm126:3? Let's start one now. It's upbeat and gospel! Ready to praise? Here's how it will go. Imagine you are the soloist and you are singing/talking. Calling out what the Lord has done for you , why you are filled with joy. Imagine a beautiful choir in the background (like HGBC choir!) that sings the verse back after everything you say.(The choir is in italics) Let's write this together..I will write mine, add yours! He pushed death away, gave my husband back to me! The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy! He touched my sister, saved her life! The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy! He blessed me with two beautiful children! The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy! He gave me a family and surrounded me with friends! The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy! What would YOU add to this song? Be careful though..because when the Lord does great things for you,you are filled with joy and then you can't sleep! Posted by Suzie at 3:07 AM 0 comments

Steeping and Getting Stronger: Displaced and Blessed!

Steeping and Getting Stronger: Displaced and Blessed!: I have recently joined the ranks of American’s to be “laid off” work. My job, in fact the whole department is being moved to South Dakota th...

Displaced and Blessed!

I have recently joined the ranks of American’s to be “laid off” work. My job, in fact the whole department is being moved to South Dakota this summer. Thank goodness Americans will be employed with our jobs and they aren’t being sent overseas... There is a comfort in that fact.

Laid off. Outsourced. Displaced. Whatever you want to call it, it still translates to” out of a job.” I have severance pay. Seven months of it, which is more than most of my coworkers have, because I have been with the company for ten years. At age 56, this is not the prime time for looking for a job. Not because I don’t believe in myself or I can’t contribute, but because corporate America is one of two things: youth oriented or cheap. Young is preferred and companies don’t want to pay you for your experience. In most cases if they can get someone else at less cost,that is preferred. After all, the job doesn’t have to be done “that” well!

There was a time in my life when I would be very stressed at this news, but that was before all the incidents my family and I have been through over the past 18 months. God had my back then and He has it now. This was a surprise to me, not to God. He knew about it all along and since He is allowing it, I am fine with it.I intend to use the same process for this change that I used for that one: prayer. Prayer changes circumstances, changes how we react to them, changes us.

Meanwhile, I have seen many positive advantages to this “negative” in my life. For one thing, I won’t have to worry about how my daughter, a rising freshman will get to Band Camp and back this August, while I am at work. I will be able to take her!

My oldest daughter pointed out that I will get to be the “Stay at Home Mom” I have always wanted to be, even if only for a small amount of time. This translates to being home when my youngest comes home, having dinner ready at a normal time for my family, instead of coming home to fix dinner at 7 pm.

I can work on my book I am writing and do so in normal hours, while I am fully awake, instead of in the wee hours. I can get my poems gathered and in my books. I can pursue publishing some of my work.

I can get my house organized and together. The last ten years of my life have presented one" level 10" challenge after another and my house shows it.

I can actually work with my photography and use the wonderful camera that my family gave me years ago.

I can organize my pictures and get pictures printed.

I can work on gifts I want to make for Christmas and I can write letters that I have wanted to write for a long time and never have time or enough hours in the day.

I can volunteer in the area’s I love with children, older folk, and the homeless.

I can spend time with my sisters and my mother-in-law!

So many positives……..it is really hard for me to see this as a negative. My glass is not empty and it is not half full, it is running over. I can hardly wait for this lay off! God is giving me a break. A breather.something I have not had for a long time.

I will have more time to spend with him and to hear His voice, see His hand in my life.I don’t know my future, but I know who holds it! Jer29:11 clearly spells it out!

What Do You Want for Your Birthday?

It's that time of year again. Birthday. Sometimes the event is exciting, as when you are turning 16, 18, or 21 years old. There is an anticipation there that this new age offers some excitement, some privledges. After 21, that excitement seems to end. You are climbing up a hill to then rapidly go down it. Where I am depends on your perception. Actually it depends on my perception. I have the brakes on and am sitting on top of the hill. I don't like heights!

I have been plaqued with "What do you want for your birthday"? Outside of a small place at the beach or a newer car that is paid for, I don't have any big or little desires that can be purchased.I don't really need anything.

I remembered a friend of my mom's who would say, just give me a hug and a kiss and tell me you love me. That never satisfied me as a proper gift to give, so I would do that, but I had to get her something else, that would be a "real gift" and "count". Momma's friend was much older than I am, but at this moment, I am relating to her.

What do I want? Really?

For my girls to be happy and have a safe and good life. If they marry I want them to experience more of the better than the worse.

For my husband's journey since his fall 18 months ago to wrap up and for him to be able to get back to living and enjoying life. I want the rest of his life to be healthy with no more hospital visits.

I want my sister's to get and stay healthy. No hospital visits for them. In fact, I want all my loved ones, friends and family, to get and remain healthy. I would be very happy if I didn't have to go to another hospital to see someone I love, or to another funeral, for a long, long, time.

Time. I want time. I want time with my family. I have little nieces and nephews that are growing like weeds. They are still excited about birthday's and I would like to share that excitement with them. I want time with my friends.Time to laugh, to share, to talk, to just be. Time with my sister's, that I love so much. Time with my nephews and nieces that aren't that far from my age. One day, we will be all we have. I want time with my husband outside of a doctor's office so we can enjoy whatever years we have left together. Time with my daughters. I remember when they were little girls and I was the center of their world. I know I have to move over and let others in, but I would still like to have a good chunk of their heart. They may have outgrown me, but I have not outgrown them .

Time. Isn't that a gift we can all afford to give? It is a one size fits all kind of gift. Everyone likes it, no matter what their age is, no matter if they are male or female, an excutive or a stay at home mom, a toddler, a teen, a college student, middle-aged, or senior citizen. It's a good gift for every walk of life, in your life. From a neighbor, to a coworker, roommate, spouse, kids, cousins, aunts, uncles, siblings,friends, parents, grandparents, or grandkids. Everyone likes time.

So, if we have something we can offer that won't go out of stock, like something on a shelf at Target and we can give it regardless of when we are paid, why don't we give more of it?

We don't have to go "broke" with our time, a little, a segment goes a long way and says to the recipiant" You are special to me. In spite of all I have to do in my life, depsite my obligations, I think YOU are a priority and I CHOOSE to spend something so precious to me, that I may not have much of with you...MY TIME. Nothing says love , not even Hallmark like TIME.

They say you can't take your stuff with you when you die and that is true, but you can take the memories of time spent with you because it is in your heart.

May you receive the gift of TIME from those you hold closest to your heart!

Happy Birthday Tears

I sometimes think there is a hormone left from my pregnancy with our last daughter. This little hormone hid somewhere in a dark corner where hormones have access and comes out only now and then. The fact that my "baby" is 14 years old has nothing to do with anything. It obviously is a hormone that is healthy and takes care of itself so it can peek out for special occasions, like this Sunday.

My oldest daughter's birthday, her 19th birthday, is this Sunday.

I am happy for her. I was happy to pick out a card for her till I started to read them. Memories...what happened to that little girl? My eyes misted up on more than one card. Thank goodness Hallmark was closed and I was in Target. I would have been standing in a puddle at Hallmark I am sure, sniffling through the cards. She 'deserves the best" but I dodged Hallmark so I could actually read a card and get through the whole thing. Hormones and Hallmark are NOT a good mix.

I think of my Mom alot, now that I am a mom. I recall when I turned 30. She cried. I didn't get it....couldn't understand why SHE was crying, I was the one having a birthday and it didn't bother me that I was 30 because I didn't consider myself old. Dumb, dumb, dumb, I was so blind!

My mom cried because her "baby" was 30! Which meant SHE was 30 years older too! She remembered the years I was so reliant on her, when she helped me walk, held my hand as we went places, she remembered in her mind having a purpose. I wish I would have had the wisdom then, as a daughter to see what was going on. I would have reassured her that no matter how old I got, I still needed her, she still had a purpose...she was still my Momma.

So for all you kiddo's out there, that see tears in your mom or dad's eyes, as you get older, when you get your first apartment, when you get married, when, when, when......just know behind the misty eyes is a lot of memories, alot of pride in you, a lot of love, and still a heart that needs to be needed in your life. A heart that remembers loving you.

So my soon to be 19 yr old...I remember, I mist up, I smile, and I am ready for many more years of celebrating with you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!