The Bus Drove By .........

Yesterday,I drove my youngest to the bus stop and waited for the bus with her. Her first day of HIGH SCHOOL. I was and have been excited for her.She is in the band and over the past month,I have gotten to meet the students in band and they are a good bunch of kids. I like them. She likes them. There has been nothing but positive signs for this year for her. We chatted, the bus came, it drove past me and then all of a sudden I couldn't see.My glasses weren't any more dirty than they normally are. I couldn't see because there were tears in my eyes.Plunk, plunk, plunk. Right down my face. I was surprised because I really wasn't feeling sad. Where did this come from, I wondered? I was happy for her. Truly! Still am. As I wiped the tears away, I felt like someone else had put the tears there.WHY am I crying? I started analyzing. I like her school, the people I have met, the principal. She will spend most of her time with band. I like the band teacher, the parents in the Band, the kids. She is close to home, no worries about traveling. I haven't had any emotional moments up to now. I was glad that she was starting a school year without any drama or anything to work through as she has had to do in the past when her dad was deployed and then when he was recovering from a traumatic injury and in rehab for a year. Everything was and is good. The bus drove by and then the tears started.WHY? More contemplation. The bus drove by. THE BUS DROVE BY. AHA! This was the first time in her entire school year life that I didn't take her to school. She started riding the bus to the Y after school in Middle School, but I still picked her up from school and I took her to school in the morning. The bus drove by. Change one. I am not taking her to school anymore. I wonder if she has though about this. Doubtful. This is a Mom thought. The bus drove by and my heart was thumped. De javu. I have been on this road before.Six years ago. There might be some new turns, detours I didn't take before, but the road leads to the same destination: Independence.The road that takes children away from home and to a place that I may be welcomed but there is no permanant residency for me, only a place for "visitors" to park. She graduates in only four years. I will be 60 then. Some would say my life is on a downward spiral as hers is climbing. I don't intend to spiral. I am wearing rubber soled shoes with emotional spikes, so that I can stop myself from sliding down those dangerous roads like :"I Am Too Old Now Street" or " At My Age, I Can't Avenue". Those roads lead to dead ends and there is no turning around. The bus drove by me and the sign that only I could see was "I am not the baby in the family anymore." NO. you are not. So I am not going to bounce to the future, but will wait till it becomes the present. I have to travel this road and prefer to do it with my daughter. Can't turn around (I tried with the first) we are on a one way road. I will enjoy the sights as we go by, the bunps, the detours and when we get to our destination, I will smile and be excited for her and help her get ready for her new journey, post poning for the time thinking about mine. Then when we wave bye, I will smile and get in my car and drive away and the tears will plunk, plunk, plunk down my cheek once again.