Unappreciated

I wasn't feeling too appreciated today.
It started with a comment from my husband, that was a thump to my heart and then when my daughter came home, a tone of voice, then an attitude. A slow boil started. I told them both that I could not say that I felt unappreciated, because that would imply that they noticed things I do and try to do to make their lives better. I just felt like (and told them so) that id didn't really matter if I was here or not. I felt like a piece of furniture. You assume the furniture will be there and when you sit down it will hold you, but you don't really analyze the furniture or think about it. It is supposed to be there and it is.
Yes, I felt like a couch. An old one.
So they ate dinner and I stewed. I can't eat when I am upset. I was thinking about all the things I had done today...and this week, and their whole lives. Things to make their lives happy, and good , and better. Then the mistake I made, was I talked to God about it. Yes, I did say that I made a mistake to talk to God. Normally, I am the one urging people to talk to God about whatever is bothering them. Normally that is what I do and I am happier when I do. Well, I wasn't happier tonight after talking to God.
I apologize to all of you..all my friends and family when I have urged you to talk to God and tell you that He will help you and ease the pain. I have forgotten to tell you, that sometimes when you talk to him, if you are honest and just pour it all out, He doesn't make you feel better, you feel worse because you talked to him. Yes, that is what I said, you heard me right. Close your mouth. You feel worse.
So I was telling God how I felt..and we know He knows ALL that I have done for them. He knows the stuff I have forgotten that I did. He listened. He let me rant till I ran out of words. His response? He didn't strike them with lightning. They sat there happily eating the dinner I fixed. He didn't make them feel badly about their behavior (not that I could see). He agreed with me.
He agreed that it hurt to be taken for granted. He agreed that it hurt to feel like after all you have done, poured yourself out to someone, and they ignore you, that it hurt. He agreed it hurts to feel like you aren't even thought of during the day. He agreed that it is much nicer when the ones you love so much take time out of their day to talk to you and see how you are, without wanting something from you. Yes, He agreed with me and totally understood. He understood from experience.
See, I have done that to Him. You have too. So now you know why I didn't feel better.
Only someone who has been there-done that, understands how you feel. See while He was agreeing, my toes were hurting from being stepped on.
Yeah.
So I did give them both a good night kiss and I am not mad anymore. I can't promise I will never feel that way again, I am human. But we are to look to Jesus for our example of what to do. So if He could give His life for me, and still love me and forgive me when I am neglectful of Him, then I can forgive and love my family. Nothing I have done is comparable to what Christ did.
I didn't feel better when I first prayed. But now I do. Glad we have a heavenly daddy, that knows how to set us back up on the right path, even if it hurts to walk cause my toes are sore!

The Bus Drove By .........

Yesterday,I drove my youngest to the bus stop and waited for the bus with her. Her first day of HIGH SCHOOL. I was and have been excited for her.She is in the band and over the past month,I have gotten to meet the students in band and they are a good bunch of kids. I like them. She likes them. There has been nothing but positive signs for this year for her. We chatted, the bus came, it drove past me and then all of a sudden I couldn't see.My glasses weren't any more dirty than they normally are. I couldn't see because there were tears in my eyes.Plunk, plunk, plunk. Right down my face. I was surprised because I really wasn't feeling sad. Where did this come from, I wondered? I was happy for her. Truly! Still am. As I wiped the tears away, I felt like someone else had put the tears there.WHY am I crying? I started analyzing. I like her school, the people I have met, the principal. She will spend most of her time with band. I like the band teacher, the parents in the Band, the kids. She is close to home, no worries about traveling. I haven't had any emotional moments up to now. I was glad that she was starting a school year without any drama or anything to work through as she has had to do in the past when her dad was deployed and then when he was recovering from a traumatic injury and in rehab for a year. Everything was and is good. The bus drove by and then the tears started.WHY? More contemplation. The bus drove by. THE BUS DROVE BY. AHA! This was the first time in her entire school year life that I didn't take her to school. She started riding the bus to the Y after school in Middle School, but I still picked her up from school and I took her to school in the morning. The bus drove by. Change one. I am not taking her to school anymore. I wonder if she has though about this. Doubtful. This is a Mom thought. The bus drove by and my heart was thumped. De javu. I have been on this road before.Six years ago. There might be some new turns, detours I didn't take before, but the road leads to the same destination: Independence.The road that takes children away from home and to a place that I may be welcomed but there is no permanant residency for me, only a place for "visitors" to park. She graduates in only four years. I will be 60 then. Some would say my life is on a downward spiral as hers is climbing. I don't intend to spiral. I am wearing rubber soled shoes with emotional spikes, so that I can stop myself from sliding down those dangerous roads like :"I Am Too Old Now Street" or " At My Age, I Can't Avenue". Those roads lead to dead ends and there is no turning around. The bus drove by me and the sign that only I could see was "I am not the baby in the family anymore." NO. you are not. So I am not going to bounce to the future, but will wait till it becomes the present. I have to travel this road and prefer to do it with my daughter. Can't turn around (I tried with the first) we are on a one way road. I will enjoy the sights as we go by, the bunps, the detours and when we get to our destination, I will smile and be excited for her and help her get ready for her new journey, post poning for the time thinking about mine. Then when we wave bye, I will smile and get in my car and drive away and the tears will plunk, plunk, plunk down my cheek once again.